The holidays are coming early this year –
or if you give up your allegiance to the
Gregorian calendar, they’re coming on
exactly the same day they always come.
So quit complaining that you can
still taste August.
It’s our second pandemic Rosh Hashanah –
It’s nice to have new traditions. Once you’ve
done something twice, it’s the same thing
as if it happened at Sinai.
This year the apple chicken will be made
out of a mushroom based meat substitute –
It’s better for the chicken and, anyway,
you should focus on the apple part.
We will not blow our shofars this year –
at least not in mixed company. Out of concern
for everyone’s health, we will stand outside
far enough apart, and bend our bodies into
the shape, and wait to do any blowing until
we’re safely back at home with our Zooms.
This one’s for the bees – They’ve gone
missing this year so we should be frugal
with our honey. The planet is changing and
they may never come back. Consider agave.
Even date syrup will get the sweet job done.
The challahs will no longer be exclusively round.
Thanks to our extra creative time at home
prepare yourself for a dodecahedron.
Still with raisins, of course, we’re not savages.
The book of life is on Kindle now and
they’re considering electronic signatures.
The trees are rejoicing and, for the right price,
you can pay a guy on the dark web to
get your name in without having to go to shul.
Some things will stay the same –
The person in the white house
will make someone unhappy.
The supermarket will put out matzah
for some reason.
The Rabbi’s sermon will be
as long as everyone expects
and we will survive all of this.
I mean barely.
That’s how we roll.